It’s been a year since this all started… I can’t claim to have been actively job searching the whole time. There have been consulting projects and breaks along the way. I have, however, been actively in transition the whole time. I guess you could also just call that living.

A few weeks ago, an unexpected opportunity popped up that I was truly excited about. It wasn’t for a full time position, but it was a project with people who I respect and admire, at a company that I really like and believe in. It seemed promising and this time I really wanted it.

Today as I left yoga class, I got the email. It wasn’t even a flat “no,” it was just an honest and polite “we like you, but not now – maybe in the future.” I have to say I was pretty disappointed, but I was not distraught.

One too many let downs.

During the past few months I’ve put a lot of extra effort into getting concrete about what I have to offer, being more flexible about the opportunities I pursue, honing my pitch, writing cover letters, meeting with lots of people… It’s been exhausting and I’m all hustled out, but my spirit is not broken. Far from it.

Now that I’m over my initial disappointment and I’ve freed up my expectations, I actually feel pretty good. I’ve been ready for change for some time and have been thinking about visiting my childhood friend in South Africa since the beginning of the year. I just checked Kayak and tickets over Thanksgiving are surprisingly reasonable. I think it’s time I step away from this battle.

Cape Town is calling.

As I write this post, the Sub-Saharan sun is slowly rising over Cape Town. I logged into Skype over an hour ago and am listening for an alert that my friend Phoebe has woken up. She’s seen my emails and is now calling to give me the final validation I need to press that purchase button.

I’ve traveled enough to know that when the obstacles you face are the ones you invent about why you can’t go, then you can and you do go. And when you haven’t seen someone who you love dearly in over a year, you go. And when your will can’t, your spirit must. So you go. You just go.

There she is now. Phoebe as I’ve known her my entire life, erupting in excited giggles like nothing has changed. The ticket is purchased.

Lightening the load.

Now comes the responsibility of making things work. I’ve been feeling a deep urge to move forward, start fresh, shed old routines for new. Simultaneously I’ve been questioning my living arrangement for some time. I can see that it finally makes more sense to let go than it does to hold on, so I’ll be moving out.

I’ll be giving up my spacious, rent-controlled apartment in a highly sought after San Francisco neighborhood. I’ll be moving in with a friend for a while. I’ll be getting rid of some of my stuff and putting the rest in storage. My life has changed and so have I. What once served me has been outgrown and I have to say it feels incredibly good to just let go.

Listening to what works.

I’ve worked hard and not without gains, but it’s also been a very long and draining process. Patience, persistence and rest will help, of course. If I want to see changes in the results, however, I think it’s time to change the methods.

I’m not entirely sure what that looks like yet, but it will certainly entail taking a step back and listening to what’s working. More of this perhaps – blogging, making art and sharing ideas. More freelancing, less searching, and more showing up for others. No longer waiting for some vague notion of what I want and instead focusing on how I can find creative ways to work with what’s currently at my disposal.

And maybe that’s actually the lesson in this whole journey – that true fulfillment does not arrive from landing a dream job or a dream project for that matter. Instead fulfillment is cultivated when we continuously create the circumstances and experiences that call us and remind us that what we seek is in many ways already a part of who we are.

I guess I’ll be actively in transition for a little bit longer and maybe that wont be such a bad thing. Maybe with the right perspective and attitude it could actually turn out to be a beautiful thing. I’m willing to find out and so I welcome the next phase of this strange and twisted adventure.